The Bad Check-Up/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Ever since man has first walked upright billions of years ago, he has been a hunter, a fisherman, and he's lived off the land. Okay, all right, well, not billions of years ago, because, you know, dinosaurs only went extinct about, you know, what, maybe about 65 million years ago? Oh, yeah, okay. Sometimes in those science-fiction movies, you see a tyrannosaurus rex eating some cave guy. That couldn't happen. There's no way because, like, humanoids -- they've only been around, like, for -- I don't know -- maybe a few million years, whereas -- then real people have only been around, like, maybe a couple hundred thousand. Okay, and by real people, what I mean is, like, homos erectus. Oh, okay, I know you're laughing, but don't even, because this is a real term. These are the people who existed between, like, neanderthals and, like, the flintstones -- right in there, that special time. And they're the ones -- they developed tools, like the phillips and the flint knife. And they used to throw bones in the air, like that movie "2001." ever see that? Did not understand that movie whatsoever, I'll tell you that. It had, like, a black cartridge. It's like a nintendo game cartridge. I had no idea -- thank you, harold. So, here he is, the star of the "red green show," red green. Thank you. Welcome to possum lodge. Overstaying his welcome is, uh, harold here. Harold is my producer and director, and due to an unfortunate family situation, he's also my nephew. Uh, harold has eaten up most of our time with his stream of unconsciousness there. I'm sorry, uncle red. Sometimes I just get ideas and I can't stop it, so -- here comes an idea right now. Here it comes. [ keyboard clacking ] ha ha! Was that cool and/or hip, or what? Well, that's eaten up even a little more time. Uh, so I'm gonna have to keep things moving very quickly now. I'm running out of time. Very little time left. I haven't got any -- you know, I sound exactly like kreskin. We like kreskin. Kreskin was good. Wasn't he one of the better ones? I thought he was really something else. David copperfield -- he was good, too. He made the statue of liberty disappear. Wa-a! Where you gonna put that, your closet? I don't even think so. I'm sorry, uncle red. You go right ahead with what you're doing. Thank you, harold. Well, in the three seconds I have left, I thought I would mention that the lodge has gone for a new life-insurance policy. You should tell that story. That's a really good story 'cause you know it better -- shut up, harold. I'll do that. So, we all had to have examinations, but the problem was that glen braxton flunked his exam. I mean, his physical was so bad. I think his cholesterol was 5,000 over something. And they ended up taking away his driver's license, which means he can't drive his beloved rv. Well, I'll tell you -- glen is not a happy camper. In fact, he's not a camper at all. Did you see "2001"? What was that -- who was hal? Just do the next segment, would you, harold? Right. Okay. Life stinks. That's the whole deal. Life stinks. Yeah, just ask your feet. What's that, harold? Hmm? Oh, I said you should be up on your feet, you know, moving around, get the old circulation going. Why? Doctor just gave me a death sentence, harold. That's what it is, you know, a death sentence. She might as well pulled out a shotgun, put it up beside my head, and blown it off. I don't think general practitioners can do that. Wa-a-a-a! She only said that you're out of shape. She didn't say you're gonna die, glen. She said I couldn't drive my rv anymore. I mean, it's -- it's worse than dying. [ scoffs ] I mean, what else do I have in my life? Well, you own and operate the only marina for 20 miles. Yeah, but something I like. Bill, have you seen glen braxton? Oh. Glen-o, huh? Hey, up and at 'em. Hut, hut, hut, hut! Let's go at it! Drop dead, noel. I'm about to. Hey, shape up, man. We're gonna get you back in the driver's seat. Look what I brought. Whoo! Wa-a-a! Whoa! I've heard about these diets. I'd rather stick your fingers down my throat. This happens to be a simple portable muscle machine. Let me demonstrate. Pull! Pull! Pull! So, what, I got to smack myself with a hose to get in shape, noel? No. No, no. That was an accident. [ exhales sharply ] but, uh -- but I can guarantee that in two weeks, you could have a body like mine. Oh, great, he's gonna saw off my legs. Oh, fine. Thank you very much. I'll have you know, mister, I'm in terrific shape. Mm-hmm. Harold. Sir? Come on over here. Try to hurt me. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No. I know this one. This is where, like, you tear out my heart and show it to me just before I die. I think enough girls have done that to me in my lifetime already, thanks very much. Smart lad. Red, come on. Try to hurt me. All right. You're short and you can't get a date. I meant physically. No, thanks. I'm getting a drink. Bill, get over here. Come on. Try to hurt me, huh? Come on. Aah! [ glen laughs ] I meant with your hands. Wow! I wasn't ready. If you were gonna get mugged, they'd have to phone ahead and make a reservation. [ laughs ] okay, who'd like a butter tart? [ sighs ] store-bought. Okay. Oh, yeah, sure, I'll have one. Whoa! Are you crazy?! Half my butter tarts are stuck to the ceiling! This man does not need a butter tart. Okay? You might as well have taken one of those things and jammed it right into his heart. I'd like to take one of those things and jam it down your throat. Those took me 2 hours and 9 pounds of flour! I thought you said they were store-bought. Well, you wouldn't have noticed the difference. I'll have you know glen has given up junk food. Whoa, whoa! No. Since when? Since you decided to lose 20 pounds and shape up, you pathetic blubber butt. [ laughter ] blubber butt -- good one, noel. What are you laughing at, tubby? Who, me? Look, you got a body like a sack of tapioca. Tapioca! [ laughter ] oh, yeah, you should talk, eddie. Who, me? Yes, you. If the government asked you to list your first three ingredients, you'd have to list fat, fat, and fat. [ laughter ] and what are you laughing at? Who, me? Yeah, I mean, you put on another 5 pounds, you'd have your own gravitational field. [ laughter ] what are you laughing at? Huh? And don't say "who, me?" you let those jeans out one more time, you're gonna have nine separate pieces of denim. Okay. Okay, all right, I think we've established that you're all a little overweight. Mm-hmm. So can we get started? Now, assume this position. Well, let's just assume I assumed it. And don't dent the floor, you guys. Oh, fine. Harold, braxton, are we not gonna turn our bodies into lethal weapons? [ guitar playing ] ♪ at night, you'll see the men sittin' on the porch ♪ [ blows ] ♪ chewin' and spittin' ♪ ♪ in the light of the propane torch ♪ [ blows ] ♪ they chew and they spit till the morning light ♪ [ blows ] ♪ in the future, when they eat muskrat ♪ ♪ they'll remember to marinate it first ♪ [ blows ] ooh. Red: This week in, uh, "handyman corner," I'm gonna show you something festive and decorative that you can do to your patio. You know, the patio up here at the lodge has not been looking all that great since we did that experiment to find out whether or not, uh, hydrogen is flammable. But, you know, I think we can bring her right back up to snuff here by making our very own patio lanterns. And they're real easy to make and kind of fun. Uh, for starters, you have your christmas lights, which are probably hanging up at your house all summer long anyhow, so why not double up with those? Uh, all you need is, uh, some of those plastic containers. You might find, uh, two or three in the garbage. Now, I just, uh, picked these out of today's garbage up here at the lodge. Uh, and they are a little dirty. Now, I would suggest you just let that mung just kind of dry on there and then pick it off with your thumbnail. I tried to clean one of them in the dishwasher. You know there's a heater in those dishwashers? And that thing just shriveled up there like a -- well, you guys know what I'm talking about. Anyway, uh, what you want to do is, uh, pick out, uh, one of the containers that seems the appropriate size and shape to make a patio lantern out of. Uh, something like that, for example. And then you want to see -- well, let's see -- which way would we hang that? Well, I think that kind of a look is kind of like a big plastic teat on there. Outside the sun-porch door there, that would look good. Then what you want to do is you want to cut an "x" in the bottom. Uh, you can use a carpet knife for that. Now, I have a carpet knife in my pocket. Ow! All right, someone didn't put the blade away before they put that in my pocket. Uh, now what you want to do here is you want to cut an "x," and cut it about 2 inches. Or if you're dealing in centimeters, uh, you want to cut enough centimeters that it's, uh, 2 inches. Okay. Okay, okay. Now we've got our "x." and then you just put the bulb right in there, and it's kind of a friction fit. And that's -- that's really on there. That really -- ohh! All right, you just, uh, you just do that for all of them. Uh, the cutting thing, not the "slapping yourself in the face" thing. Unless, if you want to slap yourself in the face, I'm not -- I would help you. By golly, that smarts. [ straining ] all right, that's two. It's taking a little longer than I thought. [ clears throat ] well... [ coughs ] oh! Ohh. [ clattering ] all right, uh, there's actually an easier way, uh, than, uh, the carpet killer to punch the holes in these things. This would be with a, uh, with a power tool. Let's see if this works a little better. [ whirring ] [ whirring stops ] I think so, yeah. Get the old bleach bottle here. [ whirring ] [ whirring stops ] oh! Throw that one out. Another thing you can do with a power tool is you can kind of... Save a little bit of time. [ whirring ] [ whirring stops ] all righty. Well, we'll start to get a few more going here, and, uh, the next step will be to take our containers and, uh, stick the christmas lights through those. Now I got to hammer -- just tap those on. And by the time I finish getting everything rigged, I think it's gonna be dark enough to show you how this really looks. Now, you tell me who wouldn't want to have that hanging around their house, huh? Harold, kill the lights there a minute. Look at that. Good friend, good fun, good food, and, uh, margarine tubs. You know, I think this is the greatest recycling decorator's idea since, uh, cutting tires in half, painting them white, and putting them up beside your driveway. Oh, well. Until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ thunk ] geez, I can't find anything. Harold, turn the lights back on, will you? Oh, geez! [ clattering ] thank you, harold. I don't know, maybe he's right, bill. Maybe I should work out or something, get up. I should watch what I eat. [ squish! Whistle! ] are you gonna eat that whole...? Give me half? Thank you. "it is summer. "two men are arm wrestling, locked in a draw for 15 minutes "with their huge hamlike fists wrapped around the last beer in the house." now, the, uh, final insurance policy arrived, and I got to go around and get everybody's signature. Let's hope, uh, nobody dies before they get to sign. That would be a real tragedy, wouldn't it? Uncle red, do I have to sign on the dotted line, too? I know I'm not, like, a lodge member, but, you know, I consider myself a keen observer. Try being a silent observer, harold. Oh, yeah, right, right. Well, glen's going around here feeling sorry for himself, which isn't that hard to do. I'll tell you, if moping burns calories, glen's gonna drop about 40 pounds by dinner. Noel's trying to get him into shape. When glen's not looking, noel goes out and moves the rv about 40 feet down the laneway so glen gets a little more exercise. And noel also, uh, turned the broom closet into a sauna. Right now there's eight guys in there sweating it out. Oh, yeah? What are they using for heat? Eight guys. Ew! Glen, uh -- glen is drinking beer out of a heavier mug now to kind of build up the biceps. And he licks the salt off the pretzels before he eats them. Wow! Next stop, the olympics. Wa-a-a! Yeah, I think the problem is, you know, you are what you eat, and eddie keeps pumping us full of pancakes and doughnuts and french toast and muffins, and he deep fries all that stuff. Hurry up, uncle red. I'm getting hungry. Yeah, me too. Eddie, what are you making for lunch today? [ chuckles ] what do you see here, red? Four heart attacks, three strokes, and a hernia. Don't you blame me because glen's a 300-pound weakling. Who made the high-fiber ice cream? Who made the broccoli cheesecake? Who made the artichoke yogurt surprise, hmm? You did that on purpose? Yesterday -- yesterday, I made garlic-and-onion doughnuts. Well, obviously, threats don't work with these guys. Red: But, you know, ed, uh, I think you should cut down on the salt and the cholesterol, take some of the grease off the salads. I'm not glen's mother, you know? No, I know, I know. Mind you, there is a strong resemblance. Yeah, well, something's got to be done, that's for sure. Give me another whack of that on here, would you, ed? Sure. There you go, red. Oh, wait now. ♪ da-da-dee-dee-do-do ♪ beauty. [ film projector clicking ] red: Well, uh, this week on "adventures with bill," uh, I guess this means we're gonna go canoeing. Bill's under there somewhere. In she goes. And you okay? Bill, bill, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy. Yep, yep, yep. It's "adventures with bill." all right. Yeah, he's fine. Okay, now, I thought we'd just go paddling, but bill said, "no, don't want to use the paddles." man: Hey! Oh, sorry about that. Uh, so he wanted to show us some different ways of powering a canoe here rather than the normal, conventional use of a paddle. So, he's got a real nice, uh -- nice little outboard. Uh, I wasn't exactly sure how he was gonna attach it on, and, uh, I wanted -- I was gonna swing it out to him. It's kind of heavy, so I wanted to get -- I was -- [ clears throat ] that was unfortunate. But, uh, no problem. You know, lots more outboards where that one come from. Uh, now, this one might -- this one might be a little bigger than what the canoe is rated for, but we don't have to turn her up full. Oh, of course, I hadn't realized the weight of -- now, I don't know if bolting that onto the side is -- to me, it would go on the end, but then... I'm not the expert like bill. Anyway, uh, so, we kind of abandoned that. We were running short on the outboards, and we just got her up on the dock, dumped the water out of her. I wasn't quite sure, uh, what bill had planned there. Uh, whether you just leave it on the dock and then you -- what you do is you tow the dock around. No, he left me and he come back with a -- went up under the lodge there and got all the -- all the paddles that we use, uh, on spaghetti night. Well, and anyway, uh, 15, 16 paddles or so there, I guess. And, uh, didn't quite know what he had in mind. And, uh, he brung down a bunch of, uh, "c"-clamps and some rope there and, uh, a little bit of this and that, started, uh, hooking the paddles onto the sides and up onto the gunnels and the sides and where the gunnels meet the sides even, and then, uh, up at the bow and, uh, down at that other one, the other end -- the, uh, I guess, uh, the assistant bow or the back, I think it's called. Now, what he created here was, uh, basically the sailboat idea. There's your keel is your four paddles on the side, and there's your main mast and your mizzen and your halyard and your mainstay and your forestay and -- oh, no, that's okay, that's okay to say that. Now what he needed was some cloth. He wanted to take my shirt. I said, "no way. "I'm not gonna give you -- you take your own. You hang your own clothes on." anyway, so, I pretended that I'd take mine off if he took his off. And, uh, you know, we didn't want anybody to see this at home, so -- I wish the cameraman had fatter fingers. Anyway, uh, bill stripped right down there, and, uh -- which was a real treat for the bugs. But started attaching his clothing and what have you. And, uh, god, he loves these things, doesn't he? And there he's got his pants on the top. Now he said to me all I had to do was -- kind of looked like a viking -- I thought of the vik-- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Hmm. Well, I figured maybe he could try the motor again. Well, just a few signatures to go, and every lodge member will be covered for death or dismemberment. You know that a hand is worth more than a foot? That surprised me. I mean, I can understand an eye being worth more than an ear, but I would think you'd rather walk somewhere with one hand than hop there with two. And, you know, there's something kind of warm about the guys asking me how to spell their names. Had to use their real names there -- no nicknames, except for nick. Hey, harold, you know what junior singleton's real name is? Larry? David? Or doug? Uh, vladimir? Vance? Valerie? Peg? No -- shut up, harold. All right. It's brutus. Et tu, brutus. Et tu, popeye. And old man sedgwick's real name is "old man." no wonder he couldn't wait to grow up. Stinky peterson -- his first name is actually "george." actually, stinky looks like a george, but he has the hair of a stinky. Oh, I'll get the rest of the signatures at tonight's meeting. [ screeching ] that's the cry of the wild possum, uncle red. It's time for the meeting. We better get down there. We have to convince glen that his life really is worth living. Well, maybe you can describe your life. That'll make him feel better. Yeah, okay. You know, I think if the insurance company was aware of harold's personality, uh, they might not give us a policy. Hey, uh, excuse me a minute. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching continues ] all rise. Shh! Come on, glen, you too. My heart won't take it. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Oh, uh, bill, bill, I need your signature on this insurance form. What's that? Message for me? Oh, all right, all right, the floor recognizes noel christmas. [ all groan ] thank you, red. [ clears throat ] I'd just like to show you what my athlete has learned in just one day. Come on, glen. Show them. Well, I can show you how I can strangle noel. [ laughter ] show them what you learned, huh? [ sighs ] [ grunts ] go, go. [ straining ] [ cheering ] well, that's a big day for me. Whoo! Hold it. Hold everything, guys. Hold everything. The doctor, uh, made a mistake on these reports for the insurance, uh, investigation here. It's not glen that has the high cholesterol. It's noel. [ laughter ] what? Me? Oh, yeah. And you got high blood pressure, too, noel. Whoo! It says, glen, you're fine. Great. So I can drive my rv again. Yes, you can, sir. Ha ha! They say you're so relaxed, you should never need any sleep. I'm with that. Well, how can I be unhealthy? I mean, why is it me?! Why me?! Well, maybe it's the way he handles stress, huh? It's your cooking, eddie! That's right. You've been poisoning me with your lard-filled, vein-clogging fat feast. That's what it was! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You're the only one with high cholesterol around here. Everybody else is fine. Calm down. I'll put more grapefruit in your stupid diet. Hey, I got an idea -- let's jump in the rv, go to florida, get some fresh grapefruit, huh? I'm dying. I'm dying. Well, uh, while noel is getting over the good news here, uh -- unless there's some other business. No, nothing going on. I'm gonna call on our old buddy, glen, who's in perfect health, to give us the evening's entertainment. Oh, red, I mean, h-how do I look to you? Short. Okay, I was gonna read my last will and testament, but I think I can scare up a few slides for you guys, huh? Bill, can you get the lights? All righty. [ gunshot ] [ glass shatters ] [ gunshot ] [ glass shatters ] [ gunshot ] [ glass shatters ] thanks, bill. Well, who would have thought that noel would be the one with the health problem? I mean, he's always after us to eat better and get in shape, and here it is that he's the reject. How can you not believe in god when stuff like that happens? Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and apparently, I'm in a lot better shape than I look, so I'd like to go back to not wearing any pajamas... Unless there's a downside. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. glen: It's a ball made out of steel. It's just all -- it's a big ball. Harold: A steel ball? Yeah, a steel ball. Can you throw it? No, it's really big. Like, see -- there's my head. That's, like, just on the camera here. Perspective. I know about perspective. Actually, that's out of the front window of the rv. If I put, like, myself over there, I'd be dwarfed by the thing. Must be huge then. Huge. It's a huge steel ball. Unbelievable.